| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|12:55 pm] |
dear ana,
i wish my parents would admit me into an insane asylum. i get so obsessive and i can't stop myself. i really do think something's wrong with me.
i remember i was in grade 8 and 9 and nothing was going my way, i seriously considered swallowing a whole bottle of pills to make myself pass out and i remember crying all the time. then i got my first boyfriend and things took a turn.
now i'm back there. both my ex boyfriends want nothing to do with me and i'm not meeting anyone new, guys in general just seem to want nothing to do with me. i cry all the time. at everything. i was reading the newspaper and i started crying, i watched grey's anatomy and i was sobbing.
i don't fear death. there are times when i welcome it. i'll be driving in my car somewhere and i'll wish someone would crash into me. i'll be walking somewhere and i'll wish that i'll be caught in some violent crossfire. i have things to look forward to but they seem so far off. i have this fear that i've felt so strongly for someone and now it's gone and i'll never get to feel those feelings again.
i'm back to seeing a total whale whenever i look in the mirror too. i've been running and working out and watching what i eat i still look in the mirror and see that my rib cage is too broad, my stomach isn't flat enough, my thighs are huge, my knees are weird. i can't control all these feelings anymore and i don't know how much longer i can stand it.
you hit such a low and you can't imagin ever feeling good again. what if it never happens? what if i never feel on top of the world like i used to?
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|12:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | L.O.V.E - ashlee simpson | ] |
dear ana,
i'm looking after my younger brother today and doing some laundry. my room is a mess and i hate it! i'm weird, i like to buy lots of clothes and bags and magazines...the list is endless, but i'll go on these surged cleaning sprees where i sift through things and get rid of the unnecessary. and the books! yeesh! don't get me started on the books! i work at a bookstore so basically i've accumulated shelves of them in the 6 monthes i've been working there.
other than that...what's happened? well, this guy that i gave my number to monthes (LITERaLLY monthes) ago tried to say hi to me online yesterday. i shut the window and signed off about 5 minutes later. here's the story on this one. he took my number after we talked a bit, but never called me. here's the ew factor. i got a random text message from him saying something along the lines of "still up?" andi replied back, "who's this?", and he was like "oh sorry, wrong number, it's jeff though.". well i'm not an idiot, he was booty calling some chick and accidentally sent it to me. so about a month and a bit later he says he wants to call me, i'm a weak and desperate idiot and i say, sure. he doesn't. so i delete him off my msn, no point since i'm not even friends with him. a third time he messages me and is like, i really want to get together with you. i'm a stupid idiot and i say yeah sure A THIRD TIME! he says he'll call me by the end of the week and he never does. i'm slightly tipsy one night and i email him this:
hey it's emily, just wanted to say no hard feelings about never calling me. i think you're weird though. seeya
and he writes back the next morning:
hey, sorry i never called, i ended up getting together with a girl i've already been on a couple dates with.
that was about a month ago. so yeah, i was needlessly pissed. the only thing that kept me going was that it was internet dating (i know i know! but i'm not even on lava anymore, i'd rather wait for my mr. darcy) and so i figure that since he never met me and never say a full body shot he just doesn't even know what he gave up.
but yeah, i didn't reply this time! YAY ME! and he's been deleted since that emailing fiasco, mostly because i was so embarrassed that i actually did a drunked email to a guy i'd never met.
that's...my life
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
dear ana,
I'M BACK!!!!
well...i never left but i was avoiding my hotmail account for the past week because i hit an ultimate low and emailed my ex boyfriend and i was afraid of what he would say. so yeah, i'm even lower now because i finally decided that i can't avoid it forever and there was nada from him. i'm hurt but it's better this way. at least now i don't have anything to read that will hurt me more. so yeah, i did it, i regretted it, at least there's nothing to pick up and put back together again right? i just keep moving on.
annnnnnnnnnnnnd......now the even crappier news. i suck! i suck i suck i suck!!!!! here's today (don't judge me it's so baaaaaaaad):
breakfast: oatmeal, raisens, banana, half a peach, soymilk
(my mom made me breakfast before school, i think she's on to me)
1 nonfat chai tea latte
1 pumpkin scone
(i was cold and wet on the skytrain)
1 black coffee
1 apple
so that's it. my mom's downstairs making dinner...hamburgers. she's good at cooking so they're not a nightmare, still more that i usually eat though. i told her i only want one so at least it stops there. but i'll run tonight. run run run!
mk2
oh and yeah!!! i saw that i've got some new friends since i've been gone and i'm adding ya'll back after i post this!
ttyl
mk2 |
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| the mantra of love |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|07:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
Here's the spell i've been using. i actually have it tucked in my bra whenever i'm not running or showering. god i'm silly. i'm not even really that psycho, i just think he's so hot and i want him all to myself.
Instructions of this spell: let's say your name is John, and you love Mary; you want to cast this spell to make Mary to love you with all her heart, well.
You must write in a paper "John loves Mary"; now take this sentence, and you must reverse it totally, so the final sentence would be "yram sevol nhoj", now, write in with green color in a new paper and without spaces: "yramsevolnhoj"; you must carry over you all the day, and if possible, all the night, this paper. The more time the better; seven times a day, you must take the paper, and read with high volume, nearly screaming; you must read it letter by letter, not in conjunt, so you must pronounce "Y", after "R", after "A", etc, etc.
Important, finally after using this spell, when Mary falls in love for John, you must throw the paper to a river or lake.
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|10:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | productive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Public Affair - Jessica Simpson | ] |
dear ana,
it's bright and early this fine monday morning...well okay it's almost 11 but i was up late doing my run on the treadmill last night.
here's last week's fitness recap:
sunday: nothing (yuk)
monday: run - 6.64 miles - 760 cals
tuesday: 30 minute hit (kickboxing)
wednesday: run - 6.64 miles - 760 cals
thursday: 30 minutes hit
friday: run - 4.08 miles - 460 cals
+ walking outside - 40 minutes
saturday: nothing ( :( )
sunday: run - 6.55 miles - 720 cals
that's really the most impressive listings i can do right now. i used to be really good at calculating cals that i ate and i kept it under 600 cals a day usually. i live at home again now and it's harder because my mom is home all the time too. once i'm in classes all day this fall, and at work as well though, that's key. the place i work is so big that no one will notice is all i have on my break is a nonfat latte or water.
well, today i'm going to:
1) run - i loaded up my ipod with some more great songs to run to
2) buy diet pills
3) finish angels but marian keyes
4) consume under 900 cals - i gotta start somewhere
laters
mk2
oh, ps: i asked my magic 8 ball how my love spell is going and it said positive to both questions. my childish fingers are crossed for this one :p
positively pathetic,
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|07:29 pm] |
dear ana,
okay so boys. i already wrote about how i cast that spell on one. horrifying i know, but wouldn't it be cool if it worked? he hasn't been online for like 3 days. his picture is his icon right now though, so cute.
so let's out-nerdify myself even more. i bought a nicer copy of Pride and Prejudice to replace my old dingy one and i also bought Pemberly by Emma Tennant. now comes the nerdy part. i've read P&P like 4 times already and it's the best. but this time, i'm reading it and this crush is Darcy. god this is a nightmare.
to top things off the guy that i like to flirt with at work is only working 1 day a week starting this fall, which totally bums me out.
oh and let's see...my ex ex emailed me a week ago, claiming he was drunk *whatever*, and saying that he's pissed about the breakup but he still wants to hear from me. on top of it, he has a girlfriend! he even said that, and i quote, "i've moved on to a new (and slightly stressful) relationship". i felt so gross reading it, it really upset me. like he's trying to get me to be a backup. well, i never replied. the way i think of it now is that even if we do cross paths, going to school or whatever, i have the upper hand at the moment because i haven't given him anything.
and let's see. just about an hour ago i was talking to a friend of my most recent ex. i like this guy, i always did even when i was dating my ex. not in a mean way, like i wanted him more or anything, but i just got along with him really well and i think he's sweet, if not sorta cute. well good news, he's going to school in calgary and not pg which means that maaaaaaaaybe, i'm not flirting with disaster. when i first re-added him to my msn and started talking to him i remember him saying something about going to cal for a bit then to vancouver....well if that happens, i'm praying he's single and i can meet up with him. maybe romantic is out of the question because of the scenario but i still like the guy. he probably doesn't even see him in that light, i'm just so single and boy-crazy lately.
well, that's guys for ya.
later,
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|07:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
dear ana,
i'm really not doing well at all.
shame me.
i'm loosing it, i have no discipline. yesterday i blew off 30 minute hit and i didn't run to compensate. i've worked all day today but i still had a black coffee and sandwich on my break. i'm normal. i'm being fucking normal. i hate it.
after i write this i'll do 5 sets of 2 minute sit-ups. i have the day off tomorrow so i'm going to go down to LD and get the diet pills that i like. i took metaslim two summers ago and they are the best i've used.
as for drive. i need to get mine back. some goal. something to help me along until it comes naturally again. it'll come. if i have to tell myself that i can't buy anymore clothes until i drop 5 lbs then there. there's my motivation.
my next entry is going to be about boys,
two secs,
mk2 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ana's song - silverchair | ] |
dear ana,
so i've managed to out-loserfy myself the past 24 hours.
1) i've been using my magic 8 ball for love advice.
2) last night, i searched online for lovespells and i cast one on my crush. you must take note that i am sure he doesn't even like me to begin with due to his being a total manwhore and the fact that i go to university now in Vancouver and he is still at my old school.
3) i just spent my friday evening alphabetizing my books. one shelf for books i've already read and another for all the books i'm on my way to reading.
i'm weirdly okay with being such a loser though. i've been either doing my 30 minute hit or running a minimum of 6 miles every day so i look awesome. i also think i'm being eyed by the hottie at work so i must not be unforgiveably foul and fat.
about a week ago i posted a sign on the inside of my bathroom door reading "6 AE", meaning size 6 american eagle denim. right now i'm 5'11" and fully filling out a size 8 of their jeans in my closet so to loosely slide into their size 6ers is my goal for the moment.
my mom is hovering though and she'll think i'm up to no good with a certain crumby ex boyfriend.
more later.
mk2 |
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